Kinda busy customising the blog. Used to be very good at it as a teen but I almost forgotten how now. Couldn't even figure out how to add background & songs now. But all I could say is, how much I really do miss all the fun finding wallpapers, widgets, songs, templates etc. I used to blog almost every single day during my teen hood. Okay if you're wondering what song I wanted to add to my blog, its 'Fire bomb' by Rihanna. So, I had a new habit if using face mask every single day, but you know what? I think it does help a lot with my skin. So back to the previous topic. Yes, anxiety, depression, panic attack sucks. It hinders from so many life opportunities & goals. There are jobs I couldn't take because of my situation. I cant handle pressure like I used to. My stress coping level plunge big time. I really wanted to take license but I cant because not only the fear of panic attack that could happen if I would to ride or whatsoever which could lead me to possible accident, but the thoughts of having to go classes. I couldn't go to classes without having to not have panic attacks. When I was schooling at Kaplan, I always have it. While I was sitting in the class doing absolutely nothing, it happens out of sudden. Anywhere in the class. Sitting at the back or side or front or alone or with friends, it can happen. While presentation or while doing my work. It made me afraid to go to school. I feel like my life it just a constant drag. I don't wanna talk about me having attacks out of school. In public transport, in train, in buses, while waiting for train, waiting for bus, while eating outside. It happens. Very frequently. Till today. It has been almost 2 years suffering from this mental illness. I really don't want to categories myself as having a mental illness but the truth is, I do have. I mean I don't wanna talk about me having PTSD, as what the psychiatrist say I do have, as much at me having that is bothering my life, flashbacks about what happen in my family & what my dad did to me, not really being happy at home, afraid the same thing would happen, not being able to forget it & all, the anxiety & panic attacks affects me more. It affects my future, my carrier, my life goals, my ambition. Basically, it made my life level from easy to intermediate to hard. I feel like I have to be 1000000x times stronger mentally, spiritually to be able to go through this, which is hard. Very hard. I used to be someone that could overcome many possibilities & challenges, thats why I wrote the previous post. To let you have a glimpse of my life & what I went through & that I could overcome all challenge, I grew up having no choice but to be strong for myself. I been through hell. I made it this far but little did I know, having anxiety/ panic attacks is by far the hardest obstacle I ever had in my life. Nothing about not having any food to eat daily, no one at home, no love, being bullied, can be compared about having this illness. Nothing. Its tough. Im strong. I know I am. I know myself. But the fact that it has been 2 years yet things have not gotten any better despite me trying hard, trying all possible ways to at least eliminate this illness but I failed, means its really really not easy. For people that always told me, I think too much, I created this illness myself cause Im too negative, definitely don't know me well. What I've been through. How I didn't ask for it. How hard I tried to overcome it. & for the people that say, it'll get better. Thanks. That really helps. *Claps hands* Having anxiety just changes my life view. Its no longer colourful, its more to shades of black, grey & white no matter how hard I tried & other tried to add colours. Being negative already grew in me. Its like the roots of a big trees already travel & plant strongly deep beneath the Earth & for you to try to remove the tree now, its hards & it may take efforts & I cant de-plant the tree myself, the more people that could help me remove the soil, the more it'll be easier. Thats the best way I couldn't describe. I couldn't force myself to be positive or happy or my mind will react in fight or flight mode. That is basically my mental triggers like there is a danger coming & it would make my situation worst. For instant, when you ask somebody to do the things they don't like, or the things that isn't them, they naturally get angry even without thinking or trying. Or lets say a smoker suddenly quits smoking, the body naturally get sick out of sudden because the body don't get all the nicotine & chemicals that is always fed daily. It works that way. When someone has anxiety, the mind grew negative. We are negative. We are sad, angry, moody. The amount of negative takes over the positive as a whole. The mental is no longer equal or stable. Its no longer healthy. Thats why its an illness. & we are made up of all that energy. Negative energy. When we force ourself to be positive, that is not us. That is something that doesn't exist in our energy so our body goes in fight or flight mode & this triggers the mental, making the depression worse. So, being happy couldn't be force. We must not try to be happy. What we must do is to accept the anxiety & the negative energy, so called be friends with them cause when somebody suffers from this mental issues you gotta know that you are not a friend to yourself, you're a foe to yourself. Especially when you never had anxiety in the past. Right now you have to be friend with that negative energy or your anxiety, accept them, then ask yourself & recall, what do they want from us that it always comes back again & never go away. Well, I learn all this psychology stuff from Teal Swan. I learned a lot about how our mind works from her. For me right now, Im in a journey to track back my past & figure out why I have anxiety (possibly I know the answer) & what I need to feed them in order for them to be friend us & slowly stop disturbing the mental again. Thats why I start making blogs again. I want to start doing the things I used to do in the past In order to help myself. Cause all the little things I used to do in the past made up a little bit of happiness in my life. I want it to be more of a lifestyle, so the fight or flight never occur. Also, like what Teal Swan says, when you are in a state of depression, anxiety, suicidal, your life priority has to change. Its no longer about work, money, material etc. Its about the feelings you could take back with you, being happy, finding ways to be positive, healing yourself cause the rest don't matter if you live life everyday thinking about only about ending it. Right now, I want to throw what corrodes me & what stresses me. I might not be able to handle so much relationship stress or work stress anymore. I want to heal myself. Im tired of living this way. Im tired of waking up in fears. Im tired to see my dreams & hope slowly vanish. I have to toss aside what pulls me down. That might answer the reason why I been changing jobs, why I always quit so quick, cause I couldn't handle pressure its sad:( When I tried to hold on, I break down & my mind just stop working on the spot. Right now I know I couldn't work long hours per week, I couldn't find a stressing job, I couldn't always be having relationships arguments or else I might have to toss it aside cause this time, I really2 wanna heal myself. Thats all folk.
